My Spouse is Depressed, How Should I Act?

Many psychological, hormonal and behavioral changes occur in depressed people. Depression is a psychological disorder that makes people feel worthless, exhausted and hopeless. People begin to not enjoy life, feel unhappy, and may start crying out of the blue. He thinks that nothing will get better, that he will never be happy, that everything has lost its importance.

Such negative thoughts and emotions make people feel distant from life. The important thing during this period is to realize that these thoughts and feelings are temporary and related to depression, and do not reflect reality. It may not be easy to notice this during that process. Therefore, if your partner is depressed, you should take this into consideration in your relationship with your partner.

How Does Depression Affect Family Life?

Problems between spouses may become exaggerated due to depression. Situations that would not normally be considered important may become a matter of discussion. The depressed spouse may even question the marriage. May not be able to attend to children’s needs. Any kind of work is hard. Taking care of household chores, cooking, cleaning, ironing and housework becomes more difficult than usual. As his energy decreases and he loses his motivation, he may lose his functionality to the point where he cannot even take care of himself.

The depressed spouse may act more touchy and fragile than usual. He is angry with his wife. He/she may become alienated from sexuality, which may cause arguments and resentment between spouses. If you don’t realize that this situation is related to depression, you may think that this problem is related to marriage and you may get stuck. He/she may be sensitive, intolerant, distressed, tense, and angry enough to cause problems in interpersonal relationships. Some people may think that their depressed spouse is acting out and finding excuses for laziness. What you need to do here is to compare his current attitude with his approach to the responsibilities he carried out before. If he neglects the responsibilities he used to fulfill, there is a state of idleness resulting from his depressive mood.

How to Help Your Depressed Spouse?

1. Listen to Your Spouse, Take Your Time

Your partner may feel misunderstood during this period. Taking the time to listen to him/her should make him/her feel like he/she is not being judged. During this period, you should talk to him in a way that makes him feel that you understand and support him. Since they are in a more touchy and fragile period, it will be beneficial for you to adopt a new style.

2. Support Him in His Work and Responsibilities

During this period, your spouse, who has difficulty in fulfilling his personal responsibilities, may not be able to act in accordance with the division of labor you do at home. He/she may have difficulty in fulfilling these duties and responsibilities. Because they are depressed, they may see all kinds of work as unimportant or difficult. Thinking that he is being lazy or pretending will cause him to withdraw even more. In this case, it is necessary not to focus on his shortcomings or judge him. You should help and support as much as possible and let them know that you are on their side.

3. Don’t Tell Him How to Behave

Even if you can see your partner’s mistakes and know how to fix them, depressed people cannot follow this advice. Consider that when you are already depressed, your belief in unrealistic thoughts increases greatly. During this period, he cannot take your advice into consideration, and thoughts that cause him to fall into depression continue to circulate in his mind. When they are depressed, they feel misunderstood when comments such as “you worry about everything”, “don’t worry about anything so much”, “everything is in your head” are made. This increases their responsibility and sense of guilt.

4. Direct them to Cultural and Sportive Activities

You can direct your spouse to social and cultural activities without putting too much pressure on him. In this way, they can get out of the mood they are in, even for a short time. Doing the things he used to enjoy and going to such places can be beneficial as it can remind him of his old and happy days. Although they initially remain distant from these offers, they begin to view them more favorably as their mood improves.

However, it should never be spoken insistently. It should be offered but not forced. Walking outdoors for 20-30 minutes daily accelerates progress in cases of non-severe depression. By offering him/her outdoor excursions, you will do something that will be beneficial for your spouse and you can spend time together.

5. Don’t force them to socialize

Depression is more than feeling sad or unhappy. Maybe when people are unhappy, their mood can improve when they meet friends or meet new people. However, depression is already a suspected disorder if these and similar negative emotions continue for a long time. Getting rid of this mood is not something that can be solved by going out and socializing. Offer your partner to go out and socialize, but if he doesn’t accept it, don’t blame him for not wanting to get better. Because socializing won’t have a healing effect anyway, forcing it won’t help. If your partner doesn’t want to do anything, let them not. If he wants to be alone quietly, let him.

6. Don’t Take Things Personally

Your spouse may reject your support and offers, and act as if he does not want you to be around him. He may not even really want to. Trying to give attention and support in this situation is a really difficult situation. However, you should not take this situation personally. These behaviors are entirely related to the situation your spouse is in. You should remember that what a depressed person says does not reflect the truth. When they recover from this disorder, most people with depression find themselves surprised and thoughtless by the things they did and said while they were depressed. These attitudes are entirely related to the mood they are in.

7. There Should Be No Force in Sexuality

Depressed people may become alienated from sexuality. You should not take this situation personally. Being angry or resentful will harm both parties and the relationship. At such a time when your spouse needs support, you should not argue with your spouse about this issue. You should not think that you are unloved or unwanted. You must think it has something to do with his mental state. Since depressed people feel more worthless, your insistence on this issue may make them feel like sexual objects or act more angry.

8. Encourage Seeking Professional Help

If your spouse is feeling depressed, the best thing you can do for him is to encourage him to see a doctor. If he says he has an idea to go to the doctor, you should let him know that you will be with him throughout this process. You must make the necessary adjustments. You can help him find a doctor and go to his appointment, and you can be with him. If drug treatment has been arranged, you can check whether he/she uses his/her medications properly. Make sure that your partner complies with the doctor’s advice regarding alcohol use while taking medication. If you sense that he is having suicidal thoughts, be sure to let his therapist know.

9. Pay Attention to Your Own Mood

Trying to help and support someone whose relative is depressed is also a tiring process. This is a more difficult issue, especially for people who live in the same house with him. You may have difficulty maintaining your energy during this period. However, remember that you cannot benefit your depressed spouse unless you pay attention to your own mood. First, you need to be well so that you can support your spouse whenever he or she needs it. People who can get the support of their spouses and relatives come out of depression faster. You must believe that he will come out of depression by observing him, with patience, fortitude and good will.